w as in we / w as in wrong

the wrong one again somehow like h i never wanted that again to be scared of touching in the end i was glad when i was allowed to put my feet under his thighs when we were sitting on the sofa.

be close but not close that way i'm not like that your cuddly one i can live without a relationship can't live without feeling other peoples bodies next to mine. a touch just a slight touch to feel the other one's there i'm not asking for more is it too much asking for? get it straight sort out your feelings sort out what you really honestly want someday the right one will come someday someday can't bear hearing it anymore shut your mouths you're talking shit leave me alone.

the wrong one again in a long line of wrong ones that came and wrong ones that are still to come. got to get over this one now without destroying the good about the wrong still can't get my hands any warmer i still long for the embrace i can't help it but it's never going to be we it's only two people not matching. wrong track i'm on wrong country wrong life.

no more w's today. i'm sick of them.

i feel numb

shiver cigarettes no food can’t eat. smoking makes it worse i know don’t tell me it’s bad for me i’m all grown up i can decide for myself can i really? tea always helps a cup of tea solves every problem they say i try it doesn’t solve anything just makes me run to the toilet every ten minutes. my hands are as cold as ice don’t want to turn the heating on it’s only september it’s already september camping is over he is back everything’s changed. the good is gone the bad is here bad feelings inside me i need a warm embrace and another hot cup of tea need action not words can’t move the same sounds over and over and over i sound like mike skinner by now. where can i deliver what i don’t want and don’t need i didn’t order anything didn’t order pain my life was fine before now it’s shite feelings are a bugger noone needs them really would be better to live in a world without any just footy and beer that’d be enough work work work pub club sleep what else does one need. scaring people away good hobby has always been just painful sometimes for the others mostly for me really love the pain k says you love your bit of drama, don’t you? yea i must admit i do but not now would kill to be no drama queen just be normal and behaving no ups or downs boring but sane mature a bit dull that’s what i want to be not smart not sensitive not tempted to step into the very well known unknown it’ll never work never so i can continue boozing and smoking nobody cares but i i don’t need to look good for myself i don’t care i get wrinkles around the eyes anyways sooner or later i’ll be all wrinkly with having had no shag in ages and still having not been courageous enough to invite the good looking delivery bloke inside.

what a sad figure i am.

short black hair

i have had the worst night ever. if i slept five hours - with interruptions - it's a lot. i haven't had those pictures in my head for a while. those pictures resulting from thoughts that just won't get out of your head and just won't let you sleep. it's amazing and frightening at the same time how my whole body reacts to something happening before the inner eye. but i would rather forget what i saw last night, because i know it is still there and might very well come back in the next small hours.

when i decided to get up and make myself some tea it was only 9.45 am. which gives me some time to try to wake up properly (not going to happen really) and to be in a better mood. i really feared it would be 12 pm and i'd have to rush with a head still full of thoughts and a body craving for rest.

as i'm writing this something is very lightly tickling my arm. it's a black hair. could be from one of the dogs. not necessarily.

just in case you read this: good morning, cee.

pathetic

505 always makes me sad. it's one of the best songs arctic monkeys have ever written. i feel like something is ending right now. to be honest i did feel it a several times before but i always closed my eyes before it. j. has been giving me the shit for more than two years and i was never sick and tired enough of being dragged around, being given the shit, of biding his text or e-mail. i was so willing to believe that he could be the one i completely forgot considering that he might no be it.

i know my friends would love him. he's handsome and smart, he's funny and charming. a guy you would want to have next to you. a guy i would want to have next to me.

he did trap me again. how important is it to have the last word? can i leave it at this? is it worth fighting and giving it another go just to be disappointed again?

i don't want to play this game anymore. because at the end of the day all that matters is that you know who you want to put your arms around. it's not him anymore. or at least i'd like to think that.

stop and wait a sec
oh when you look at me like that my darling
what did you expect
i probably still adore you with your hands around my neck
or i did last time i checked