undecided

bright blue sky, a weather to escape the routine in the city. we'd almost escaped when we saw that the junction to the dogwalk place was closed. next junction: miles away. cee said: "alright then, let's go to hamburg!" in that second i was thinking about escaping completely. we had only 25 quid cash but we'd have had my credit card. cee just wore the hoody, not even a jacket. we had the dog and each other. what else could we have forgotten? fuckin nuffin, yea right.

but we didn't go to hamburg nor did we get out of germany. not to france and onto the ferry, over the channel and to good old england. it's no beer in the pub tonight. everybody is where they should be. not everybody.

the doors were not fully open today. or maybe i just pushed at an open door. it's those days you expect the best things to happen but all will be just normal. is this what puts me in this strange mood? great expectations? and when they don't fulfill i get nervous, is that right? jesus, sometimes i feel like a very sad creature.

i can't decide whether i'm happy or sad today. two days ago i said that if i must walk this long steep road i will walk it. no matter how long it takes. i will not give in, i will not stop loving and i will not stop living. today all that bugger feels rather useless.

my fingers have gotten thinner again. at least one good thing that happened today.