the f-word (not ramsay-style)

at least six weeks went by in which he almost every day had the chance to just mention it. in a clause. like you do when you play by the rules.

it took me so much overcoming and courage to ask him whether he fancied going for a beer sometime. i wouldn't have done it had he mentioned the f-word. at least not just him and me on our own. i started to really like him and after more than six months i felt like i maybe could move forward. just a little bit. because - as astonishing it was for me - i felt he might like me too.

and then he came up to me and asked "how about the weekend?". we agreed on saturday night.

i was a bit scared we would not know what to talk about. but after a little while it started getting easy and the tension dissolved. i just sat there, smiling at him, me and the world. and then - in an answer to a just normal question - there it was: the f-word. i was stunned. i was not even able to make fun of it or get to know more. i just felt terribly embarrassed.

although the night was cool i am still angry. at myself. at him. and at the situation. and i hear b's words from two and a half years ago: "you did not honestly think that we could ever be going out together, did you?!"

please god, spare me the humiliation this time.