in love

summer in berlin is the best thing. and i noticed how cool it can be walking through the city on your own doing things that you  always
wanted to do. and it's quite cool taking a stroll through the city when everyone else is working.

last week i went to see the body worlds exhibition at postbahnhof. i have literally wanted to see it for ages and although it was dark and a bit stuffy and the creaking of the floorboards was sometimes unbearbale i found it really cool. i knew many things before but to see the actual exhibits was an impressive experience. i liked the woman that is stepping out of a rock and kind of "undressing" her skin best. from ethical views i could hardly understand the fuss that is made. it's not as if you would realise all the time that those were actual alive human beings cause the exhibits look so artifical owed to the method they are plastinated.

yesterday i decided to finally take a boat trip on the river spree. i have been living in berlin for more than nine years now and i have not once been on a tourist boat. i got on board of summerwind at the berliner dom riverside and was greeted by the captain who asked me whether i was on my own. when i said yes he said "well, in this case you're sitting next to me." the guys on the boat were both very nice and funny and i had a really great time. the captain was maybe 60 years old and told me he was originally from rostock and grew up with boats and ships. we talked a lot about where i was from to how life was in the GDR and how the refugees tried to escape the system in the east by trying to swim the spree and how many of them got shot. he told me that in the winter when the boats are not going he's travelling. this year he's off to travel through asia. his flight is on december 27th to bangkok and "then i'll see what happens". i envy this way of life a little bit because i always need a safety net. sometimes i wish i was a little more relaxed about things. i often stand myself in the way.

after being back on shore i took a walk through mitte where i spent so much time with kay almost ten years ago and paid a visit to lush at hackescher markt. i picked my friend alex up for her lunchbreak and we sat among all the tourists in the sun eating ice cream. later i left some money at h&m and then met my friend yvonne for beer and burgers and fries. and when we were sitting at kreuzburger i told her that this day has been fantastic and that i cannot help but being so in love with berlin at the moment.

seems the dodgy work situation in my office and a part time move to darmstadt has added some spice to my relationship with the city.

the f-word (not ramsay-style)

at least six weeks went by in which he almost every day had the chance to just mention it. in a clause. like you do when you play by the rules.

it took me so much overcoming and courage to ask him whether he fancied going for a beer sometime. i wouldn't have done it had he mentioned the f-word. at least not just him and me on our own. i started to really like him and after more than six months i felt like i maybe could move forward. just a little bit. because - as astonishing it was for me - i felt he might like me too.

and then he came up to me and asked "how about the weekend?". we agreed on saturday night.

i was a bit scared we would not know what to talk about. but after a little while it started getting easy and the tension dissolved. i just sat there, smiling at him, me and the world. and then - in an answer to a just normal question - there it was: the f-word. i was stunned. i was not even able to make fun of it or get to know more. i just felt terribly embarrassed.

although the night was cool i am still angry. at myself. at him. and at the situation. and i hear b's words from two and a half years ago: "you did not honestly think that we could ever be going out together, did you?!"

please god, spare me the humiliation this time.