guilty conscience

i don’t know what’s going on. normally i get those mood swings when i’m shortly before my period but today i’m psychially in the middle of nowhere and my period is more than two weeks away. but i feel like throwing up all the time, i cry when i look at my two slices of toast, i spill the milk for my tea because i’m shaking like a leaf. the last two and a half days i was sick in bed. my boss sent me home and as soon as i could lay down i got a temperature. i admit, i was not looking like a pretty flower but actually i don’t start crying over a bloody piece of toast.

i managed to get myself to work today although i wasn’t feeling too well. berlin tried to cheer me up – it was dressed up as london in it’s big-grey-and-fluffy-white-cloud-gown. the air was warm and the wind blew the smell of the building site next to our office right into my nose. it stank like it always does. any sirens? no? there were always sirens screaming when i was in london. oh berlin, next time you have to be better prepared to convince me.
when i arrived at the office i immediately felt sick again. i didn’t want to, it just happened. my boss was not happy to send me home again because the probably most stressful weekend is lying ahead of us, but he just said „if you’re sick, you’re sick and now you’re going home. that’s that!“

because he was mad at me for not having gotten myself checked when i was sick at home i went to my gp. and he told me i was suffering from circulation problems and low blood pressure due to the weather and the fact that i was still a bit weak from my flu. he gave me a prescription for a med against sickness and another to stabilise my circulation and handed me a sick note on top which says i should not work before tuesday. instead i should sleep much, drink much and have healthy food. and rest. no stress, please. my gp’s sweet. and funny. he makes me miss out the most fucking weekend of the year and when i told my boss he was totally unimpressed. but he sticked to what he was saying earlier, i’m not allowed anywhere near the office before tuesday. thing is: i have another two regular non-sick days off on tuesday and wednesday. and now i’m having such a guilty conscience because i feel like someone might think i did it on purpose, which of course i didn’t. could be a nice holiday, couldn’t it? for fuck’s sake, i’d rather go to work than get bored watching shit on the telly. seems this is a problem that only i have.