should i stay or should i go?

i found a place where they'd offer me the job - if i proved that i am the one for that job. the only problem is that proving means six months working in munich for very little money. not enough to actually survive let alone live. and after that i'd not even be guaranteed to have the job, i'd have to beat my other "opponents". yea, what else? we're talking sports.

so after one week of thinking it over and over and over and talking with people and changing my mind over and over and over again i decided to stay in berlin and not to do it. i cannot think of anything that has been so hard for me lately. and i really had to get myself together to not start crying on the phone because it felt slightly wrong. and because my would-have-been-boss said:

that's sad. we really liked you and really wanted you to work for us.

i am not one that looks for the big money. not at all. and if this whole thing would have taken place in berlin i would not have hesitated one second and had said yes. but after all the years of investing into my apprenticeship and certain trainee positions i have to rationally decide what's best to do. and i think it's not very wise to invest the little that's left and hope for the big win.

because: what if i lose?

anyway. the die is cast. there's no way back. so i think i continue going ahead.